Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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