My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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