party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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