garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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