Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i now understand why vodka
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
