How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
