I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
