How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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