I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
