Plan B is the new Plan A
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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