I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
