I think my fart just growled at me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
