I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
