well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
