Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
