Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
