Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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