I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
