I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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