So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
