As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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