Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
