So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
