She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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