Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
