theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
