my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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