i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
