is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
