Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
