Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
