Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just want nice things and good sex
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
