She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
