He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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