I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
