I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
