Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
