You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
