I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
