My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
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You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
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My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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