I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
