I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
