I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
