The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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