Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
