mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick