I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options