So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again