I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
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I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.