her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.