my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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