I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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