Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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