You're my little dorito
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
