I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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