The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
