My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
