So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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