yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
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her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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