i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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