I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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