Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
