I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize