Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
