Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
