I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
