I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
